Two Years Passed, Then Five More Years Passed

I almost completely forgot that at one time in my life, I actually cared about writing a blog. Blogger sounds so old, and outdated, and ancient. 

Facebook directed me via memories to this blogspot page, and as I read the entries about my early days as a mother, I was slightly saddened that I didn't continue writing much after Ramone was born. His birth really flipped my world upside down and inside out. It shattered my glossy and shimmery view of motherhood that my daughters created. He's been the same, oppositional, ninja punk kid since birth, and now he's almost taller than me. 

Since I last wrote in 2019, way too many things have happened. I guess I'm glad I didn't write about all the life changes that occurred with the things that occurred around the years 2020. Perhaps you know what I'm referring to, but that was absolutely earth shattering and life changing. Although I had already started down the rabbit holes of conspiracy lunacy, the years following 2020 and the events that took place really didn't shock me. What did shock me was how divided people got, and how my life style at the time pushed certain people away from my life. 

And here we are, on the brink of wars and natural disasters in our country and changes in the collective consciousness of biblical proportions. Or something like that.

Those who know me know what big changes have occurred in my life but I'm ready to write again and use this space to share what I really need to write down. 

I started this blog as "Sara The Sub". I left my "subbing" job at the LA County High School for the Arts in 2010, and from 2010-2023 I worked mainly in Early Childhood Education while I raised my children. 

In Spring of 2023, I decided I was tired of running my own business and hustling for another dollar as a musician, educator, speaker, cold-pressed juicer, and performer. Something called me back to substitute teaching and although my intent was to go back to LACHSA, that didn't happen. I ended up in the juvenile justice system. 

The first day I rolled up to the parking lot at the hall in the Valley, I went through the security doors after they sent me back in for having a fanny pack. Clear bags only. I walked through 5 different doors before I reached a yard outside that had a round walkway up to the school office. Little did I know how many doors I would have to have opened for me in a given day since everything is locked and teachers can't have keys. 

I don't remember the first group of boys I subbed for but I remember going up into the unit as they didn't have school in the classroom due to a lack of probation staff. A teacher and I delivered school packets up into the day room of the unit that was small, filled with sunlight, and had 2 metal tables. I remember it smelling of trash and there were boys sitting on the backs of chairs playing play station. The other teacher put his hand in his pocket and took out some small candies that he offered the boys. It wasn't a reward for anything, he was just letting them have a treat. 

After that first day in the hall, I had this feeling that it was what I was meant to do. Having a son that was so oppositional and defiant really geared me up to working with this population. I looked at each boy like he was my own son, and asked myself how would I treat Ramone if he was acting such. The instability and chaos I was about to embark on was not known to me at this point, but I decided to take the plunge and dive head in first to a really sad world where children are forgotten. 

2 Years Have Passed

It's been 2 years since I last wrote a blog entry. I'm writing so that I have a place on the web for me to remember things. I used to keep journals, and I stopped pretty much once my son was born. I also stopped because he was, and still is a force of nature. He's pure dude. He's pure energy.

So, I haven't even checked my blog, but last I wrote was in 2017 for my dad's birthday. I'm glad I checked in back then.

Since 2017, my son started Kindergarten, and is now going into 2nd grade. I have a high schooler who is in a Marching band, and she's gonna be in a jazz band, and does indoor percussion competitions. To me that is kind of weird. But I'm extremely proud of her.

The other kid is a teenager (almost) and is getting straight A's. I'm fine with that. My girls are amazing. They are incredibly smart, they listen to me most of the time, and they do all the laundry and dishes now so life is good. They don't make their beds though. I guess this is a problem.

But going back to what has consumed me entirely since 2011 is my son. He's not like other kids. I've learned way too much about behavioral issues, neurological problems, brain development, sensory issues, diet, being on the spectrum, psychology, toxicity, and so many other things. He's defiant. He's strong willed. He's hard to manage. He doesn't make going to restaurants easy. He doesn't make life easy. He makes every simple task difficult. He says no when you ask him to do something that is not a preferred task. He makes the bad choice most of the time. He doesn't stop doing something he shouldn't be doing when you ask him to. He doesn't do what you think would be best. He does what he wants.

In school, they have a common core math program and he crosses out every single last box on every single page where it tells you to explain your answer. He does this because "Math is for numbers and escritura is for escritura time, not matemáticas".

When he was only 3 years old, he would say "my choice is my choice". Yesterday when we were having a bit of an argument he told his dad ,"You don't control me. You are not the boss of me". Well, his dad replied he kind of was the boss of him, and that he made him. My kid replied. "But you can't CONTROL me, because my body is my body, and my own mind is my mind and I can do what I want with my body and say what I want. So you don't control me." I guess he's right. We don't really control him, and for the most part we have tried but we can't.

But I may be ranting a bit too much about his oppositional behavior. I can go on about the other side. That he is compassionate, funny, kind, makes friends every place we go, every day. He plays drums (a little), he's learning piano, he loves swimming every day, he never wears shoes, he has so many friends, he like legos now, swims in the ocean year round, he is reading better, and loves telling jokes. However, the things that consume us about him are pretty much hard to deal with.

I am absolutely grateful every moment that this kid can talk. He can walk. He can think. He knows what feels right to him. He is not afraid to say anything. Even the f word. He is an amazing singer. But the things about him that are difficult really consume us. They consume every breath I take. When I wake up, I wake up in a panic. I'm worried about him, and I think I have PTSD about him being in the hospital twice this year. I hate it there and I never want to take him back. I had to advocate for him each minute we were in there so that they wouldn't do anything unnecessary to him or give him meds he didn't need.

All this is totally scattered, and maybe not worth mentioning, but I felt the need to write so I can remember one day how much this kid consumed us.

He got kicked out of summer camp on the 2nd day this year. I won't go into details about what he did, but I couldn't get a refund and the work I had planned on doing the entire summer had to get pushed on the back burner. I've been with him every day this summer. During the first part of summer, he had his share of TV, tantrums, play dates, outings etc.

We had just been to UCLA where he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. They were pretty pushy about meds to help modify his behavior. I'm sure that meds would keep him in line to some degree, but I said I wanted to exhaust all other possibilities before ever going that route.

Soon after that I ended up taking him to an Aryuvedic doctor. He ended up coming to the conclusion that a lot of his hot headedness and temperament comes from his inability to get a lot of what was backed up in his system out... and although we all hear about the gut/brain connections, I wasn't sure how that related to my own kid. We've been trying to follow new dietary suggestions, he's taking some herbs, he's gotten to be regular, and that definitely has helped. But he's still a hot head.

And when I'm here thinking about him being a hot head, I can only think back to myself. I was a pretty shitty little kid. I remember crying about all sorts of things for no reason. I remember fighting with my neighbor for 2 days because I wasn't ok with him liking Neil Diamond so much. I remember having my own desk in the corner in 1st and 2nd grade cuz I couldn't stop pestering and talking to everyone around me. I remember not letting my parents eat at Ribs USA. I remember kicking a tow truck driver that had to rescue me and my mom on the freeway. I remember biting my dentist so hard that he needed stitches. As I remember these things, I think... "well, I was pretty awful sometimes but I didn't turn out that bad".

So a part of me thinks... my kid is immature, and a little crazy, but maybe he WILL come around when he's about 9 like many people say. Maybe he'll come around in 3rd grade, the way I did. But another part of me thinks, "what if he doesn't, and he's just has a criminal mind and ends up in jail". It may sound crazy or rude of me to say, but I worked in Jail Schools. I worked with kids who were considered criminals. And you know what? They were and are a lot like my kid. Kids who don't want anyone telling them what to do. Kids who don't really know how to cool their "lava". Kids who make the bad choice over and over. But the difference between those kids and my son is that I'm there for him every day to help him with anger management. With personal space. With how he resolves his problems. With cooling his lava. I'm always there. But what if I can't always be there?

There's so much I can go on about. Like his adventure with a rotavirus in January. With appendicitis in April. With his failed attempts at getting his teeth cleaned at the dentist. Like jumping off a horse cuz he didn't like horseback riding on a steep hill. Like saying he hated his f'ing parents at the thrift store. Or how he ran away from home twice, and told random strangers I wasn't his mother. Or how he told other random people he got kicked out of the house cuz his dad was so mean to him and he needed a new family. I mean, I can go on about so many things. So many occasions.

I can also go on about how today at the 99 cent store I told him before we walked in that he could not get anything. He told me he hated me and I was the worst mom, but still followed me in the store. And in the store, I ended up getting some bananas, some batteries, and bandaids. And when he asked me for cheetos, I said no and he said some things along with the F word. But I got in line, and he quietly followed me, and we got to the car, and it never went next level. I mean, he was pissed, but it could have been worse. He was happy once he started reading in the car and happy after his lunch. And he confessed to me his deepest, darkest secret. (that I will not keep). His deepest darkest secret is that whenever he says some crappy thing to me, or anyone else, he doesn't mean it. He said he says it just to try to make someone else feel as bad as he feels because he is feeling bad. I get it though. And I don't take anything he says personally. Because at the end of each day, we pray, and he says, "mama, daba". Daba means "big hug". So I give him a Daba, and he says "most times my angel can't really have power over my devil because my devil is a little more powerful". But I remind him, "No. Your angel is more powerful because today you were only crappy about 10% of the day. You were difficult a handful of times. And you were good the rest of the day. You always reset and started over and for most of the day, you were good, so your angel won".

I'll write again soon, and likely write about how I've been living our life since I banned screens and devices. Well... he's been able to watch a little on the weekends (at the end end of the day), but taking away screen time is definitely harder for the parent I think, but it's been successful. It hasn't made things easier by any means, but it's for the best. I'll go into it later and maybe give a how to for parents who want to take on that challenge. But for now I just wanted to put into writing that life has been hard. It's hard in our own way. I'm blessed that's for sure, because my blessings by far outnumber my complaints for sure. I have a home, a bed, enough money to live, amazing kids, a great husband, a beautiful and supportive family, a good job, and so many friends. And although I see the good, and I'm as optimistic as I can be, I think it's ok to say out loud that some things ARE hard for me, and I'm trying my best to make it better every day. I just want my kids to be cool, and I don't want them to say the F word in public too much. I know it's just a word, but come on. Give me a break. LOL.  I'll be back soon.

Happy 70th Birthday - Back to the Blog

There is a LOT to say. I have not written on this blog in a long time. Each day I regret that I don't write down all of the amazing things my son says, the dumb things my daughters do, and all the crazy ideas I have. But today I come back to my old stomping grounds to say something about my Dad. It's his 70th birthday. On my mom's 70th birthday, we threw her this awesome party with a Salsa band, and the whole family came out to celebrate. We don't have a big hulabaloo planned for my pops, but he deserves a bit of recognition. My dad is the guy who: - Was the best dad you could ask for. Free reign on sweets and tv. - Was the carpool guy all through school. I mean, if you were my friend he has given you a ride somewhere. For sure. - Took us on some very basic AAA vacations that were absolutely unforgettable. - Supported my mom to make hundreds of tamales for each birthday party. - Sent and still sends snail mail, not only to me but to friends around the country. - Continues to wash dishes at my house for me way too often. - Can be a bit of a jerk, but aren't we all. - Loves scotchmallows. - Does not give a *&#! about ANYTHING people say. - Cries like a baby during Last of the Mohicans. - Loves my children with a very special unconditional love. It is a love that surpasses that of his wife and his own children. (maybe not more than Cathie - but real close!) - Is stubborn as can be. - Makes new years resolutions that he breaks around January 6th. - At the drop of a hat will help me. - Has a hard head but the empathy of a saint. - Showed me that feelings are just that - feelings. No big deal. - Lives his own life according to his own rules. - Is my son's #1 person. (He ranks me around #3) - Is my confidant. A pal and a confidant. - I owe my entire being to. So, Dad - I know you're reading. I want to thank you for making me. You and mom did a good job. Thank you for giving me and Cathie an amazing childhood, where you sheltered us from the world and led us to think that Nintendo and having fun was a valid way of life. Thank you for keeping us safe. Thanks for trusting us. Thanks for letting mom trust me even though she should not have. Thanks for piano lessons. Thanks for making us listen to Rocky Horror on Cassette tape. Thanks for teaching me to drive. For taking me on the 110 freeway first. But more than anything, Thank YOU for being the best grandpa. Thank you for giving my kids something so special. All the things you do with them, which are too many to list are what make you the living saint that you are. As much of a jerk I can say that you are, if you were not a jerk, or a Horlick, you would not be the best dad. So thanks dad. I love you once, I love you twice, I love you more than beans and rice.

About time huh?

Finally, a chance to write a public update about my life and adventures. My Monie is now 9 months old, crawling around everywhere, putting everything that could possibly kill him in his mouth, and smiling every few seconds. That kid is amazing. What a blessing. Being a mom the third time around seems to be the hardest, but I'm older, have 2 other ones, and so much more to do. Although it's more difficult - mainly because the little pincher and bruiser wakes up around 5:30 am, it's also so amazing. Whenever I walk away and he's on the floor and let's out a little cry, Effie runs over to the rescue to sing him a song, or tries to make him laugh. Celia can't walk past him without saying how much she loves him, or saying out loud that her little brother is in love with her. The love just abounds in the house. In fact, today I found a drawing that Celia did in the garage (the girls' new work studio) and it said the words "Happy Home" all over it. Can't help but feel happy about that.

I also can't help but feel blessed every day in a way I've never felt before. I'm feeling so good. This is the first year in my life that I've only had one cold, which only lasted a day or two. I've avoided countless stomach bugs, and thanks to organic apple cider vinegar and my chiropractor, I'm feeling extraordinarily healthy. But more thankful than healthy. There have been numerous people in and around my life with illnesses or ailments, and just different health issues that to me, living each day pain free and healthy is just something I'm so thankful for at this moment. If I had to, I'd deal with whatever came my way, but right now I'm able to face the daily challenges of washing dishes, raising 3 kids, and working without the difficulties that health issues pose. So - yeah, a bit of a tangent - but it's been on my mind.

It's honestly hard for me to hear complaints of others who are totally healthy. It's a waste of time and energy to complain when you have two legs, and a functioning brain. Just go do something because you're wasting precious time.

What I'm doing now is actually spending precious sleep time awake considering my son and I will be wandering around the neighborhood in about 5 hours. Oh well.

It's a short hello, and a quicker goodbye, but I really should crash now. But to my friends and family reading. Los quiero mucho. Happy Summer. :)

2012

Let me begin by saying in 2011 my laptop was drenched in water - by a spillage caused by effie's cup - and this led to the erasure of all my pictures taken from june to september including the way too intimate photos of ramone's birth by becky, the death of the delete key, and also the inability to type an exclamation point. So there.

And 2011 is over. It ended with the most lovely day after a major hustle and bustle of Christmas engagements, family visits, outings, and crazy craziness. And on that last lovely day of 2011 we slept in, ate our usual pancakes - ran errands thanks to meken, then finally had a chance to play with the girls, make a ton of music together, read, draw, mess up the house, cook and cook, cook some more, take a walk, laugh with Monchis, and we all watched a movie together. We did more than that but that was the gist of it. The little ladies who played soooo well with each other alllll day went to sleep early. Celia asked if we were gonna go to a New Year's Day party - and I said "no", then she responded "yes we are", and I said "oh yeah?" and she said "yeah - we're having a party at home with our family". And she was right - as today - New years day - we spent another glorious little day - just us, making a mess, listening to music, playing music, performing music, walking, cooking, cooking, and more cooking, and more talking to Ramone - and so on and so on. It was awesome.

And 2011 was pretty awesome too. Mostly because.... it meant the end of my pregnancy and the beginning of my new crazy life with ramone. Since he was born, I've been tired, overworked, overwhelmed, exhausted, but happy, content, and overall in love in a brand new way. All the insanity and inefficiency of the household is well worth it. "Monie" (as the girls call him) has made us feel like those brand new parents that never sleep, and never rest. He's made it even more difficult to walk out of the house in a timely fashion - if not almost impossible to get anywhere. He's forced me to stop almost everything I was doing a year ago just so I can hang out with him, feed him, love him, squeeze him to pieces, and enjoy being a new mom again. He's so fun. He's the greatest gift to everyone in the house and has brought us alllll so much love. As if we didn't have enough already, he's blessed us with just that much more.

I'm gonna stop here - and get back to the dishes, laundry, picking up, cleaning up, organizing, and thinking that I can try my best to do while he sleeps. So wish me luck. Thank you for all your love and friendship and kindness to my kids. I'm so excited to start this new year with the 5 of us - and thankful for all the blessings in my life. I'm a very lucky lady. Buenas noches.

New Mom

Hey friends. Yes it's been too long since my last post, but since I did give birth to the crazy kicker that lived in my womb for over 9 months I thought I'd write. I should probably be sleeping since I didn't sleep much at all last night. Maybe some 30 minute stretches here and there, but not much. Alex and I always laughed when people would say "You have a baby? oh well, good luck sleeping". Well, they said that a ton with Celia and Effie and we laughed because we always slept well. The girls didn't have extremely large burps to belch out after each feeding. Ramone does. The girls never spit up a bunch of milk after their feedings. Ramone does. The girls lovingly pooped during the day and left that business alone during the night most of the time. Ramone doesn't. The girls slept for many consecutive hours at night. Ramone does not. The girls smelled like pretty little girls. Ramone does not. Ramone is different. He has many traits that are good though that the girls didn't. Ramone likes the car, water in his face, and does not cry when you change his onesie and the onesie gets stuck over his big head. I mean, the girls would scream at those things, and Ramone could care less. But the whole sleep thing is throwing me off. The husband told a friend the other day that since Ramone has been born it's seemed like one very long day. I agree. The day he was born, almost a month ago has yet to finish.

There's really too much to tell. The birth itself was crazy. Mostly cuz the girls got to witness the exit of womb. The best part was the last push of that little sucker, cuz I pushed on my stomach the best I could with that last push and felt his little feet glide away. I knew it was the last time I'd feel those feet in the womb, and I was so ready for them to be out. In fact, of all the things I feel like saying or writing, is that I'm so honestly grateful and happy to not be pregnant anymore. Pregnancy is not easy. It was easier in my twenties, and this time around I continued to work, walk, clean, cook, take care of the girls, drive, etc... but not very well. In fact, today we were at griffith park. They've got a newly paved bike path that used to be a bike path of dirt, so we took the ladies to go ride bikes. And it was warm, and Ramone was snuggled up in his sling, and I walked and walked - , and despite the little man being heavy, despite the fact that I'm still dealing with the not fun at all fatigue and whatever not fun postpartum things you have to deal with, and despite the fact that I didn't sleep much nor have I slept much at all since I had this kid, I felt so good! I mean, I can now move without the extra 30 pounds of excess water, baby, uterus, and more. All the discomfort of having had a child to me now seems like nothing in comparison to the pregnancy. And although I didn't do too much complaining while pregnant (or did I?), now that I can lay on my stomach on the kid's bed to tuck the covers in on the wall side of the bunk bed means a lot to me. It really really does.

So thanks to Jesus, Ramone is here. Outside the womb. Happy. Healthy. So nothing else matters at all.

Over already

Tomorrow is the last Friday of the summer. I guess I could go on about how fast it goes but I'll just say it quickly. It went by fast. Again. As always. I haven't necessarily tried to make the most of each day with my kids, but it's not so bad cuz we swam almost every single day. The girls rode bikes out at least 3-4 times a week. They had music lessons almost daily. I almost finished my album. I sold everything I wanted to sell on criagslist. I got a new car. Went to the beach 3 times. My kids got to Disneyland. We entertained summer visitors. Had dinner with lots of friends. Found a new chiropractor that kept me able to walk. Managed to make my kid's bedtime later and later every night. Got the girls to sleep on their own, stay asleep on their own, and fall asleep on their own. I cooked about a zillion meals. Got a new accordion. And I got to enjoy my kids and be a little lazier than my usual busy self. There were TONS of things I did not do that I wanted to do, but I have a feeling when my 35 pound uterus shrinks back to size it may be easier for me to do. Camping ended up outta the question due to the mobility factor. Working did not happen due to the large belly factor. Lots of things were a bit hampered due to the pregnancy, but whatever. It's almost over then I'll figure out how I'll be able to get things done with a newborn around. Really... it was a wonderful summer. Maybe the best I've ever had despite the large uterus, forceful baby kicks, and almost dislocated pelvis. Thank God though, we are all ok. Our family is safe and healthy right now, and to me that's all that matters. The next big thing will be to post what my big big kicker is gonna look like outside of the womb, and I can't wait to meet him/her because we've had a nice long summer together and it's about time we get to know each other even better.