It's possible that my workplace may be shut down, but they've told us that before. The school/facility is not really in compliance and there is not enough probation staff to make it so.
In my unit, on Tuesdays-Thursdays we have regular probation staff. This means as long as the doors work and there aren't major hazards in the classroom, we can be inside of the classroom. After a few weeks of dealing with the broken door that whoever could kick open, it was finally fixed.
When I walked into the class today, one student was holding a speaker in the belly of his shirt wrapped up and listening to whatever they like to listen to at full blast. It's actually hard to get the attention of 12 15-19 year olds when the music is that loud. I passed out pencils and journals and attempted to tell the students what I expected of them to write about. It was hopeless really. So it seemed. One student grabbed my guitar, was strumming obsessively over and over again while he stared at me just waiting for me to tell him to shut up. As I continued to ignore the stupid behavior, I just listened to the violent strums while I asked those willing to get to work. One student looked at me and said, "I don't know how you do it".
When I approached the little maniac Van Halen, he said, "You better get the fuck away from me". "I'm not talking to you". I'm like, "dude, I don't want to suspend you". He replied, "You better not fucking suspend me. I run this place. Get the fuck out of my face, I'm not even talking to you". Hmmm. What a gem of a kid! I told him I felt bad that he felt so shitty that he needed to come at me like that and I really hoped that trying to make me feel like garbage would make him feel great, and if it did, then he could keep the insults and threats coming because it didn't even bother me. He proceeded with his shenanigans. Quietly, I asked our probation staff to remove him, I asked to restructure him, and he assured me that he would when he could. The problem is, there is not enough staff to even remove a kid like that from the class. I can always retreat. If I feel like I'm in danger I can get out, but for some crazy reason, I didn't feel in danger.
Oddly, when I hear a kid talk to me like that, all I can think about is all the people in his life who walked away. There were many that I'm sure that couldn't deal with his outbursts, tantrums, violence, and back talking. It's been months of this with this kid, and to be honest, some of it has gotten worse, but all I see is a kid who wants some control. Maybe the only thing he was ever able to control was how to push people away, and maybe he's mad that he's not pushing me out too.
Things settled down, and I probably insulted him a tad despite the threats he continued to rail off on me, but through distraction and time, he chilled out. Conversations started with peers, and I had my alligator lizard in my pocket, so I took her out which really hyped up the students. This particular kid was annoyed, and he seemed to hate reptiles. He said, "you better not get that creature near me or I'm going to murder it". Lovely. I still didn't take him seriously.
After lunch, this guy was allowed back in class after not having done one assignment in the morning and after all of those shenanigans. I put on a video of Donald Duck in Mathmagic Land and the class was annoyed but vaguely entertained. They had a worksheet to fill out to answer questions regarding symmetry, the golden ratio, and Fibonacci sequences and maybe 2 1/2 students even filled in one answer. However, it was relatively quiet. During the video, as students lost interest and started talking to one another I picked up the guitar that the kid finally let go of. I tuned it and started strumming the song, "Piel Canela", and singing softly to myself.
Next to me was another boy, whose journal entry in the morning when something like this. "Right now, my teacher is talking. She's talkin' too much. I'm tired of hearing her fucking voice and never shut up. I can't stand this bitch. I'm not going to write what she asked me to write about. I'm just going to write how she annoys me. She annoys me but I know she's a good teacher. She listens to me, and draws for me, and even though she annoys the fuck out of me, I'm glad she's here". Well, well, well. The things "this" kid says to me on the daily is insane and I just usually look at him and say something like, "wow, I'm so glad you said all of these nice things today. I woke up this morning and really couldn't wait for what you had to tell me so I rushed to work knowing that you would really make me feel special". Yes, I can be rude and sarcastic, but what else am I supposed to do? His entry was appalling and sweet at the same time, and I realized I can just back off with him a little more, and give him space. I'm glad he trusts me.
Going back to the guitar playing. While I was playing, and had just read that journal entry that ended rather nicely, the boy who had threatened me earlier looked at me. Usually, if our eyes meet, he says, "what the fuck are you looking at?", or "don't fucking look at me". But while I played he looked at me and stayed quiet. I gave a little smile and kept singing, and he kept listening and watching. He rolled over in the desk chair with wheels that he sits in every day. If he walks in and someone is in his seat, they get the fuck out of the way. When someone gives up the chair to him, I always say, "wow, you just got punked for that chair", and the kids stay quiet and frown at me. He is the alpha. He is the big boss of the unit. Maybe because he's the best fighter, or the meanest, but either way he is in charge. He rolled over to me and didn't say anything mean. Usually when he comes near me he snatches my radio from the clip I keep on my pants. He's snatched it before but it had been weeks since he had gotten away with it because my reflexes have gotten really good. I put my hand on my radio as soon as he rolled up, but he just looked at me and said softly, and quietly, "Miss. Will you let me borrow your radio"?
In Juvi, when kids steal your radio they love to rep their hood and say some profanities, or say something like Free the Homies, or, "On my dead homies you're gonna catch a fade you stupid fucks", or something silly of the sorts. Hearing a kid on the radio is a regular thing. It's normal. We think nothing of it but once a student of mine in another unit had to shout me out saying, "we in Ms. Sara's class and Fuck this school and all the teachers". That was embarrassing. I'm like, "did you have to say my name"??? Back to this guy. He asked to use my radio, and I'm like, "for what". I knew that letting him use it was a stupid idea. Like a really bad idea actually, because 1) he didn't deserve shit for treating me the way he did, and 2) how could I actually trust him, and 3) I'm not supposed to let anyone touch it.
Something kind of came over me and I asked him, "what are you going to say". He said, "I just wanna say something funny. I promise I won't say your name, or where we are. I'm just gonna say sumpin real quick, and I give it back. On my dead homies. I swear. And if you let me, I'll be nice". I laughed pretty hard. Him?? Be nice??? I was like, "Yeah right! I believe you might be nice for a second or two, and I'll take it". I just handed him the radio, he quickly said his shit talk and I grabbed it back when he was done, clipped it back to my pants, and he rolled away smiling. He didn't bother me one more time the rest of the day.
As stupid as I sound, I just have to note that I see kids without any control. They aren't in control of themselves. Most of them are highly medicated. They can't see the daylight. They eat shitty food. Many of their parents have abandoned them. They want so badly to control something. Anything. They are looking for that chance at every corner. When he asked me nicely, even to do something stupid, I just wanted to give him a chance to be in control. I wanted to praise him for not insulting me and being kind, even for a second. I wanted him to know that despite all the bullshit he puts me through I respect him as a human and my student. He stands in his power and his inability to heal is hurting him. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. Some may say I'm just enabling a bad behavior but I saw something in him today that showed me he wants to trust someone. He's actually the funniest kid I've ever encountered at my job despite also probably being the most unhinged and violent.
I know they can do better. So can I, but they do need a chance and someone to believe in them. It takes time. A lot of time and I know I'm in it for the long haul, and they aren't going anywhere soon, so all we have right now is time.
No comments:
Post a Comment